The ad reads… "swm/sbm looking for a swf/sbf (35 - 45 years old) for LTR. I’m good-looking, fit, intelligent, have a sense of humor and honest. I am a 45-year-old business executive who is divorced and looking for a partner. I have one son who is the love of my life. You must be fit and active; a non-smoker and kids are ok. No professionals please".
Dating tips for you newbies, swm/sbm and swf/sbf means single white male, single black male and single white female and single black female. He's looking for a Long-Term Relationship (LTR). Further clarification, "no professionals please" means he's not interested in receiving replies from someone who is paid to provide illicit services. No "pros."
This is a decent ad and rather well written. It tells the reader this man is obviously not new to trying to find a mate via this dating tips medium. His desire for a long-term relationship and not just an encounter would be thumbs up for this personal ad. You also know how he feels about his son, smoking and a healthy lifestyle. You are now faced with an important decision: Do I answer this ad?
By all means, answer this ad if and only if: You meet all of his requirements. Be totally honest with yourself about who you really are as a woman. Never, ever, ever tell a lie about yourself. It will only backfire and doing so means you are insecure, unhappy and do not love yourself. Do not answer any personal ads until you have resolved your personal struggles about your true worth. If you know you have 20 plus pounds to lose, don't answer. If you smoke one cigarette a week, do not answer. If you are separated and not yet divorced, do not answer. If you are under 35 and over 45 years old, do not answer. And of course, if you require payment from him, by no stretch of your imagination should you answer this ad.
You meet all of his requirements and you answer with interest and told the truth about who you are. What happens next? If he's the gentleman he has presented himself to be, he will ask to exchange email addresses and you will have a chance to get to know each other better via email. This exchange will tell each of you so much about the other. You'll learn about your true level of intelligence in how well you write or do not write. You will have the computer monitor in front of you as a safety feature so that you can express yourselves, openly and hopefully, honestly. You will save these emails as a reference when needed as proof of any untrue statements made in the past. I caution you not to use this information in an accusatory way but for a frame of reference. (Remember, he also has your emails, too.) If this is needed at some point, you can use it to end a relationship that is going nowhere because of fabrications.
How long do you exchange emails? That's up to the two of you. Your next move is either one of two actions. You can exchange home telephone numbers or agree to meet. I totally advise against meeting him at this point and I'm against the woman giving out her telephone number. I am not in favor of months and months of emailing and telephone conversations, either. Meeting should be the ultimate biggest step and should not be postponed. Many have found there to be physical chemistry long before meeting and only after meeting to have no chemistry between them. Some would say an exchange of photos, also known as; "pics" would be an appropriate step after the initial email. That is of course, up to the two of you but I am not in agreement with this since I truly believe in unconditional acceptance. Wait, now! Hear me out and if you are not persuaded by my point of view, you still have your way of doing things. Yes, physical characteristics are important. If it has been determined neither of you have any physical and/or emotional handicaps, then the physical should not be that important. The important characteristics are lasting and not superficial, temporary and fade with time. These should be of most importance to a mature person.
Helen Keller has said, "The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart." Why don’t you try this for a change? Look at someone with your heart and seeing them through God's eyes. If after meeting you discover the person's nostrils are where the orbits of the eyes should be, well, you have good reason to make an apology and leave.
Okay, what's next? I recommend the gentleman giving the lady his home telephone number, not his mobile, pager or work number. You are the most physically vulnerable and you are still getting to know him. Besides, he's divorced and living alone and should offer no resistance unless he doesn't have a landline. You've heard the sound of each other's voice and the conversation flows easily between you. Now it's time to arrange a face-to-face meeting. (You haven't exchanged pics because you've been persuaded by this writer not to do so.) You want to be accepted at face value and gauge for yourself his reaction to you and likewise, he has the same opportunity.
Arrange to meet, only after you; the woman has decided you are comfortable doing so. Do not be pressured or coerced into meeting this man or any other unless it's your decision. Before meeting him, be certain you have gathered some personal identification about Mr. Business Executive. You want to know where he works, general area where he lives. You also have his telephone numbers and have spoken to him at all numbers, including work. You have learned the make and model of car he drives and the color. If you can determine a clever way of getting the license plate number, then do so. Give this identifying information to a close friend for safekeeping. When you decide to meet him, do so in a very public place and during daylight hours. I am against meeting for meals at the initial meeting. I recommend going Dutch on expenses. This need not be agreed upon in advance but you must be adamant about paying your check, even for a cup of coffee. You will not have any guilty feelings over anything, especially him buying you a cup of coffee. I highly recommend Barnes and Noble Booksellers or a similar setting. (If no chemistry, you can always have a cup of java, browse through topics of interest or buy a magazine or book.) Let's be optimistic! You've been corresponding and 'chatting' for a month or so and you've enjoyed each other's conversations, thought processes and have made each other laugh. You are attracted to each other on one level and you look forward to meeting him.
You're filled with mixed emotions. There's nervous excitement in the pit of your stomach but the day has arrived and you arrive early just to see if you can pick him out based on your limited knowledge of him. Your knowledge is limited but believe it or not, the two of you have communicated in the last month more than many married couples have in the last six months! (That's another article.) You arrived alone and make sure you leave alone. If you hit it off wonderfully and arranged to meet again, that's great! If you decided against pursing a relationship of any kind, that's great as well. I recommend being upfront, open and direct about not seeing or corresponding any more after deciding against pursuing a relationship. It serves no purpose for either of you to be left in limbo. He's a gent and you're a lady! You're just not for each other.
As you've determined, I am not against answering personal ads found on reputable sites or in newspapers. I recommend caution and this careful dating tips approach for women and men. I know of many who have met via the Internet and are happily married and raising kids. I also know of a few unfortunate situations as well. Overall, I think as the world changes, so too are the ways we will meet and become united. We can use His infinite wisdom and let Him guide us or do it ourselves and become another unfortunate situation.
More info about this author and a Retreat for Women … http://aweandsome.com/
Avis E. Ward is an anointed visionary, called to unite the personal, spiritual and poltical through Love. She is an Ambassador of Love, Inspirational Speaker, Event Planner and Certified Seminar Leader. Avis is also a Consultant to dental healthcare professionals in Case Acceptance and Marketing.
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